A DOMME TOPPED FROM THE BOTTOM: RELATIONSHIP WHERE GENDER ROLES WERE BLURRED
I am so many things. Too many things some days. Considering the self-diagnosis of multiple personalities, because how can I be all these various sides in one person. It's torturous and exciting.
CALL ME YOU PATHETIC FUCK, YOU LOUSY AND SELFISH HUMAN BEING!! LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME!!
A friend told me I had borderline personality disorder and when I read the description, it changed my life. (as I type I keep looking down to make sure I am spelling a word correctly, I am not texting...It's official, I am brainwashed) My mind CONSTANTLY wanders.
PULL IT THE FUCK BACK...FOCUS!!!
Why doesn't he love me? Why do I keep finding these self absorbed men who shower me with "love" and attention to then pull it back with no regard for my feelings.
I am a BITCH...I am mean and heartless. I hate people, I despise small talk and I want to say horrible things to strangers that have slighted me.
What comes out is smiles. Small talk that makes you feel like I really care. I interview people so they can do the talking while I act as if I care. You feel special, I feel as if I have done my part while also feeling like I have lost something. I wanted to tell you how you are wasting my precious minutes of life with a story you should fully fucking know I don't give a fuck about.
HERE'S THE SHORTEST FAIRY TALE EVER....
I was unbelievably horny this Saturday night....sifting through old Fetlife inbox messages trying to find a face to sit on. ARRRHHHHHGGGGHHH....
I was oveflowing with sexual desires, like a shaken soda. I needed a release, I had never felt this way. I got dressed with the intention of visiting a local sex theater for the first time. Couples and singles go to fuck and jerk off, I wanted a hungry horny bastard to fuck me with his tongue.
Rewind to earlier in the day, the Sex Addict monster was on my fucking back! A horny old Puerto Rican man was about to get it, but my aunt walked with me to the door of her building. I was dead ass going to knock on this man's door and tell him to eat it.
I AM NOT PROUD, BUT FUCK YOU!
I had ignored this one message. Three days prior, he politely told me he had been wanting a monogamous kinky relationship and wanted to get to know me better. I wrote him back and quickly got a response. He wanted to meet tonight, YESSSS!!
This lead to 4 months of an emotional rollercoaster, wanting to be so close to someone, wanting to run away from feelings, yelling and crying, freedom of expression yet suppressing truths your partner was so willing to take on with you.
I had opened myself to be hurt, I finally saw someone who saw me and wanted more, saw the REAL me. It wasn't what I thought and still hope one day he calls. The ones I have wanted the most were the ones to break my heart. I shared with him that I wanted uncomfortable vulnerability. Awkward convos that only happen once. Each time the pull of shame does not hold our words like a chain, restraining our deepest desires.
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