I was head over heels...over 15 years ago. Now, it's a dull feeling. What once was an exciting new connection, is now a sometimes annoying reminder that I never got what I wanted from someone I wanted so badly. I planned our lives in my head, as most young people do. He was 6'4 and muscular with Nigerian made lips that reminded me of pillows. He was intelligent, successful, and we had great conversations. However, despite the trips to his house or mine, a jazz concert, dinners and nights at the bar...as I struggle to define what it was, it could best be described as a "situationship."
I had to be willing to let go of something that didn't suit my needs. I couldn't be readily available for someone who didn't pursue me in a way that made me feel wanted and desired. I often see women that wait for years until the man decides it's her time to devote love and attention in her direction, and not designate her (me) as just a woman he fucks. Even without a label, there are actions that show someone that you are interested in having a deeper relationship. On both sides of the relationship, we must set standards for what we expect from our partner(s). I made it clear what I wanted, but I would also fuck him from time to time. My words weren't matching my actions. Eventually, I stopped making myself available completely, and he got the hint...kinda.
Recently, I ran into him at a mutual friend's event. It was clear he was eager to see me and hopeful about rekindling what we had...I still wanted nothing more. It was nice to see him again in person, it had been a few years, and being the object of affection did feel good. We had a great time while it lasted...years ago, but I am a completely different person than the person he knew. He didn't even know the "old" me that well. I made it clear before, and once again, I told him we could be nothing more than friends. We likely, won't even be that. I haven't missed his company or longed to try again, so why fake it? I'm too old for that, and I know better is out there. Alone is better. For some reason, it's hard for some guys to grasp that you can NOT want to date them, NOT hate them, and ALSO be single...all at the same time. I'm just not that into him...anymore.
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